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[personal profile] eleri
I've stared at the blank space for a while, pondering what to type. I post random inanities over on FB, link to the occasional serious discussion or nifty thing over on G+, but I don't really talk much anymore. Death and violence over the last few weeks brought home how distant I am from everyone I used to consider 'family' or 'community', places I thought I fit in before feel awkward. And I just don't really have much to say. Stuff I find interesting isn't to others, my downs are all the same ones that have been rehashed over the past decade or so, and there's only so much nodding and smiling or vague rumblings of empathy people can do.


The past year or so has been rife with 'almost-but-not-quite' happenings, things I put my head and heart into only to have them skid to a failure. A dozen little things like a game that doesn't get play tested, or an event that only one or two out of a hundred show up to, or classes that never get students. So many things I work at being successful at, and it falls short every time. I'm watching the latest one crash and burn, and I wonder (yet again) why I keep trying.

It isn't that there's not joy or fun or light in my life- but those get spaced out so *far*. Every day has some sort of battle in it, be it one of the kids, or my increasingly fubared body, that it is really hard to *enjoy* life. I find little pockets of sunshine in silly little online games, or drowning in a book, or chilling with one of the Katten Hoard- trying very hard to ignore the Judge telling me all the things I should be doing.

Therapy happened for a while, but it was all so damn frustrating, because of the sheer amount of effort it took to maintain anything for me- things that did help, but as soon as all the other things of life loomed, those were the things that got canned in favor of budgeting and energy and time.

State waivers finally happened, stuff might kick in in January. It might help, who knows. Honestly, Miri never should have come home, but we didn't have a choice. It was that, or lose her completely and have her dumped into a foster care system that has a deadly track record with neurotypical kids, let alone disabled ones- and they wouldn't have left her in the group home anyhow. So I slog along, leaving the lions share of the care to Blade, because I am dangerously non-functional when it comes to dealing with Miri. Blind, unthinking panicy rage doesn't help anything- least of all me, who now has to take yet more meds to keep the panic attacks from frakking up my body any more.

See? any talking I do ends up a litany of Everything That Is Wrong. I just don't have enough Things That Are Right to talk about. How about that weather? How about that Local Sports Team?
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